heartbroken...almost

i now know that you can get your heart broken everyday and still survive. that the only way you're sure that you do have a heart is when you feel it breaking, bleeding, desperately trying to be loved, but unable to do anything but wait for it to happen. i was so in love, and i still am, anyone can see that if they would only look closely enough. why does life have to be so unfair? my relationship with boo is fucked up, somehow. God, how i love him..And i hope, i pray that he loves me just as much. im ashamed to admit it but sometimes i feel like he doesn't..not as much as i do. i feel like a burden, making him call me at night, asking him to come see me. when i talk to him, i don't ever wanna hang up, but he always does..why is that? i stay up hours after he hangs up, thinking about him sleeping, wondering if he's dreaming about me. what is wrong with my body? why won't it get tired like his does? why won't my eyes want to close when i miss him? i know it's wrong to think this, but i hate that he has to do so much for his church, his church with all the hypocrites in it. i have got to stop writing this crap. i just hope he never gets to read this, else i'm dead..

helplessness

i feel like i must be the loneliest person i know.. yet it's a loneliness in disguise, coz no one knows how i really feel..to them i seem fine, like i am how i've always been. in truth i don't even know what changed. if someone asks me now, about what's different in mylife, i don't think i can really answer them. all i know is that i feel less important, as if i'm now as cherished as an old copper ring, when i used to feel like a diamond, the kind men buy at tiffany's. i remember a time when i would wake up really happy coz i was dizzy in love, but now i juz drag myself out of bed and paste a fake smile on my face and pretend i'm anything but desperately sad. now i juz feel empty, and the words i speak are empty, and the words people speak to me are empty. they say man is the highest of all creatures because he can think, he can comprehend, he can invent. well i say he's the lowest, because only man can have everything he needs and still find himself utterly unhappy. a beaver, when he's made his dam and gathered enough food for himself, is a creature content. an eagle that has built her eyrie and soared in the skies is whole. they say love is the greatest feeling there is. well i say love has no feeling, except pain. love never makes you ecstatic, it's disillusionment that does. it never brings you happiness, you only delude yourself into thinking that it does. in truth, love is only a losing of yourself. if you want to stay the same, then never love. because in the end, after all the heartache, all the pain, all the lonely nights..you will surely be changed, so much so that you won't recognize yourself. but the irony is, you won't even want to go back to the way you were, you can only desire to keep on moving forward, like you're addicted to the pain..inthe end you can only keep on living, despite the pain, despite the heartache..you can only keep on loving that person you chose to..because that's the way it is.

Tears for fears

have you ever looked at yourself and realized that there is something really wrong with you? that there's something about you that desperately needs to be changed, but you're powerless to do so? iwished i weren't me..i'm convinced that whoever loves me will find it hard to keep doing so. and i'm so scared..i've learned something i never thought was possible, and it's totally changed everything in mylife, yet i can't even show it, because no one can know. the things i believed in, the things i was so sure of, were a lie, and nothing will ever be the same again. it has affected every aspect of my life and now i'm too scared that the same thing will happen to me. i've learned that in this world, no one can be fully trusted, one way or another, they'll find a way to betray you.