OH MY GOD. That is it. I have just been very suddenly and rudely jerked back to reality. What was i thinking, falling for andrew when he is just wayyy out of my league and totally up there and unreachable. And to think I considered myself witty and smart! I am so absolutely humiliated. Slap in the face, if there ever was one.

oh my gosh, i am totally emotional today, why is that? i have been on the verge of crying since hours ago. not even sure if it's all because of all the work that's been heaped on me within a span of several hours and the frustrations that come with them, or because i'm coming to terms with being in love with someone off-limits but am too scared to admit it. my brain is in denial and my body can't take opposing forces anymore and can no longer understand itself.

Random Thoughts.

Sex is highly performance-intensive, not so much because you have to be good, but because it is more a show than anything else...how the night progresses depends on how you express your pleasure to your partner. the rule is: exaggerate.

Moving on

Tonight i'm moving on..
Last night i talked to my friend, and i basically rehashed my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend and everything that was wrong about it..so here's the list.
1. for most of the entire time we were together, he lied to me. not just small, insignificant lies, but huge, gargantuan lies, lies about his life, lies about how he felt..shit like that.
2. it was way too fast..i guess because we didn't see that much of each other, the physical stuff moved so much faster, as if we were making up for lost time, at a rate ten times faster.
3. he was so immature..23 and still a baby: can't look after himself, can't stand up for himself on his own two feet, and still counting on daddy to give him all he wants..be it an education in aviation school or a set of golf clubs..pathetic.
4. he had so many goddam issues like you wouldn't believe..angstsy doesn't even begin to describe him. he's so hung up on how life has been unfair to him, how badly he was treated by his parents, how unhappy his childhood was..that he completely ignores the fact that he is luckier and more blessed than most.
5. he's so fixated on himself, his own problems, his own misgivings, that he totally misses out on everyone else's pain, including mine. especially mine, come to think of it.. it got so bad that sometimes i had to pretend i was screwing up in school just so he would forget his own problems for once and focus on me..i mean, how fucked up is that? i never even had any real problems in school, i was a good student with a 3.75 gpa..hell, i'm a spectacular student compared to him!
6. one of his huge lies was about school. the entire time we were together he made me believe that school was okay, that nothing was wrong..when the opposite was the real case. before i found out the truth i would get so confused about how his stories never seemed to make sense, how they didn't seem to fit..and then came the day that his dad(!), no less, told me that he had been faking his grades and spending money that was not his to spend and not been going to school, period. you can only imagine how i felt when i found that out. i felt so betrayed, so..utterly devastated by the extent of his lies that i couldn't breathe for several moments. and then when i got to register all that..it all just..fell into place:
-how, when we went to his school one day to ostensibly attend class, so that i could "sit in," and then for some weird reason, they didn't have class, or so he said, and we ended up sitting in front of one of those huge windows on the third floor and just talked.
-how my plan of surprising him at school didn't work out because at the time he was supposed to go to class his best friend told me he (my beaux) was at his house and that he (my beaux) told him he was done with class, and that didn't make sense, so i arranged for us to meet in the mall, instead. no wonder he got so flustered and agitated at my surprise and at the thought that i had originally planned on going to his school..because i might have discovered he wasn't exactly going to school..
-how he wouldn't let me accompany him during enrolment. i felt bad cause i thought he didn't want his friends to see him with me, but he reassured me that it was not that, but that he just didn't want me to, and couldn't explain it, but he had his reasons..yada yada yada. no wonder he didn't want me there, huh?
can you believe i let myself get twirled around someone's finger like that?! i'm not an airhead, in fact, i like to think of myself as actually pretty bright..but for someone so intelligent, i could be so stupid sometimes, huh?
7. he has a small..thing..oh come one, you know what i mean. sure, he's good in bed, but i've never actually had an orgasm by straightforward sex..it either had to be his fingers, or his tongue..pathetic, i know. i told you..i need a man.
there are so many other things i could whine about here, but i think i should just save those for another day.
the point of this whole tirade is..i needed an outlet..a written outlet that'll allow me to read through the many many reasons for not missing him and feeling bad about not being with him anymore..
tonight i'm moving on, and he can beg on his knees like a puppy starving to death, and i won't give even an inch..not that he will beg, but you know..
my motto right now is: veni vidi vici.

Mutiny

I think that today, i have become a full-fledged smoker..years and years of aversion and disdain for it and now i fold..typical.
i smoked 7 sticks tonight..making it a total of 16 since last thursday..oh well. hypocrisy seems to be my theme for this year..almost can't wait to see what comes next..ha!
last night my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) bugged me about what it was i wasn't telling him..i finally gave in..after hedging for a long while, and trying to convince him to drop it, mind you.
he doesn't hate me for it..although i know i'm a double hypocrite not just for finally smoking after all the bad things i said about it, but because i made him stop smoking 2 years ago..oh well, life's a bitch and then we all, fucking, die.

Liar

today i'm a big liar. i lied about such a big thing, i don't know how i can live with myself. alright, if you're curious, here it is..
i was in Starbucks last night, and i was texting with my boyfriend. all of a sudden, from seemingly nowhere, he started talking about seeing other people and some such crap like that. God, i didn't see that coming. Well, the point is, we talked, and agreed not to think about it yet, to deal with it later on, when all the academic shit in my life was over, and i could afford to wreck my existence..we agreed to talk about it when i went home for the summer..
so, the lie:
i told my friends that i had broken up with him at the trun of the year, told them that i had to break it off because it just wasn't the same anymore, it just wasn't as happy..that love was no longer enough. that is the lie..the most blatant lie i've ever told..well, one of the most blatant lies i've ever told. and now i feel sick to my stomach for being the hypocritical, insecure bitch i am...
of course, i rationalize that i needed to put up some defenses, that i had to keep myself from being pathetic all over again, but still.
so there you go. judge me all you want..i don't care..you don't know me, anyway.

heartache..all over again.

it's hard enough to stay faithful when your boyfriend's 488 miles away and you don't get to see him for months and months..it's harder still when you're 488 miles apart and he doesn't even give a damn about your day.
i'm a fool to stay in this relationship..this unrewarding, pathetic excuse for a relationship. how can one even call it that when we hardly even talk, i hardly even get to hear from him, and he acts so nonchalant all the time? not just about the relationship, but even about me.
more than anything, i need to feel loved. and at this point, i just don't.
tonight i watched a movie with a friend. a boy friend. and all the while i couldn't help thinking about boo and wishing it was him i was with and not this other guy. and this other guy was so sweet and funny, i almost wished he had been the one i loved..but he's not, and the worst part is, the boy i do love doesn't even seem to love me back..anymore.
why do i even let myself be like this? why go through this pain when i can choose not to? but to choose not to would mean to choose not to be with him. is it even right to choose pain over normalcy just for a boy? it doesn't seem to be. but then again, everyone would all agree i'm not exactly the most rational, nor even the most normalm of people. at times, like now, i'm convinced i'm just plain sick. what kind of person would stay in this hellish situation but a sick, deluded person like me?
if only the sex wasn't so amazing..