back from prison

today i just got back from the new bilibid prison, it's where all the sentenced prisoners from all over the country are kept. as of this moment i haven't really processed all that transpired, all that i saw and experienced. for sure it is one of the bleakest places, but it is also one full of hope. today i realized that although most, if not all, of them deserve to be there for what they did, some were also just victims of circumstance, victims of the system that is unjust and unfair. true, they did what they did but that doesn't mean they wanted to. today i talked to a youth offender. his name is allen, and he was sentenced with death. he did his crime (he never told me exactly what) when he was just 14, and it gets you thinking: what kind of life must he have lived that caused him to do something that got him into death row? most times we pass judgments on these people without even knowing the story behind it all. but i've got news for you fellows, the world isn't black and white, the gray matter is so much wider and broader than you can imagine. i won't romanticize anything, being in prison is ugly, and sometimes, living in all that ugliness can make one ugly, too. but these prisoners are more than that which tv tells us they are, they are more than the disorder they protray, the deception they show. deep down they have dignity, and more often than not, they are truer than the people in the outside world. they are much more sincere, and much more open. and when you talk to them, they show you who they really are, even when they don't know how we'll react. i can't really put into words what i felt then, or what they're really like, you'll have to go and see for yourselves. but just remember this, whatever they might have done, they are still people, and it is not for us, people ourselves, to determine who should die and who should live. only He can say that, only He has the right to.

immortalize

there are some things about ourselves that we just can't share with anyone, no matter how close we may be to our friends or family. i guess it has something to do with maintaining that facade, that image, that people have come to associate with us: strong, confident, rational. even a self-confessed non-carer like me has these hang-ups. to a certain extent, we want people to think that we live ordered lives, somehow. lives that don't have the complications we think only naive, emotionally-unstable people do.
but my life has its share of complications. it has its share of things i'm not keen on admitting out loud. if i knew my friends read this blog, no way i would be writing about my life here. but as it happens, they don't know about this blog, and i intend to keep it to myself. although why i should bother to write here is beyond me. maybe it has something to do with that inexpressible desire to immortalize oneself, even through such insufficient media as words. but it can't be helped. i'm going to need something to remind me of how i lived my life, maybe so that when i'm old, i'll have something to look back on, without really quite forgetting.
i don't really know how to start. i don't even intend to make it chronological, as long as i immortalize my life, somehow, in these pages, and let out everything inside me that don't have any outlet. this blog will have to suffice.

Loneliness

What is loneliness, really? i'm just curious. Is it being alone? no, i think not. that would be alone-ness, which is different. is it a feeling brought about by not being with anyone? is it connected to belonging to someone in a romantic way, or more aptly, not belonging? i wished i knew what it was exactly, so that when i use it next, i know exactly what it means, and i wouldn't just be going off on the mouth about something i don't understand..
answers? anyone?

Today

Today..
i am a woman confused. confused because i don't know where i am, and i don't know where to go.
i am a woman lost. lost in my own nonexistent world, of love, of intellectual conversations, of mystical creatures who know me not as i am.
i am a woman in hiding. for i do not show who i am, only what i want people to think i am.

And today..i hate myself. for not being able to face the truth, for preferring to keep silent rather than voice out my depraved mind, for running away from the urge to unleash myself upon the world.

Today...i simply hate.