2012

2012 was the most disappointing year, ever. It's true what they say, it doesn't matter if most of a time was not too bad, no matter that there were happy moments even; all one really remembers are those moments when things did not go her way.
I started 2012 with such resolve: to straighten out my life, to claim some hope for myself, to be happy for me. And yet now at the end of that year i can only focus on the disappointments, the struggles, the let downs. That year saw no progress for me, not really. Neither was there hope for a better future, because now i feel bleak, weary, dreading having to go through yet another year like that. That year i did not find my love, and instead i've found myself hungering after some i could never have, not for my own. It's left a bitter taste in my mouth, and an even more bitter and hardened heart.
I left Popol for good, that year. And for a while I was proud of myself, even with the remembrance that he was yet another man I have had to get over. He is the third since Nikki. Though getting over him was not so hard as forgetting Andrew was.
I thought I had, though. Gotten over Andrew, that is. When he left my bed in Perth last March I hardly felt a thing. Certainly none of the excruciating pain so constant when I still thought I loved him. And yet one word from him, just the tiniest inkling that he might want me still, and want More with me, makes all the yearning come bursting out from that secret place I thought I had hidden so well, including from myself.
Why did he have to get in touch with me again? Why add me up on Facebook, when that would be just another means we wouldn't use?
Here at the start of a new year I lie with a heavy heart, a battered self, not even capable of hope. Only of longing, and yearning, of yet more things I don't believe I can ever really have, of someone I know will never love me as I do him. What now, then? Where could I go from here?