2012

2012 was the most disappointing year, ever. It's true what they say, it doesn't matter if most of a time was not too bad, no matter that there were happy moments even; all one really remembers are those moments when things did not go her way.
I started 2012 with such resolve: to straighten out my life, to claim some hope for myself, to be happy for me. And yet now at the end of that year i can only focus on the disappointments, the struggles, the let downs. That year saw no progress for me, not really. Neither was there hope for a better future, because now i feel bleak, weary, dreading having to go through yet another year like that. That year i did not find my love, and instead i've found myself hungering after some i could never have, not for my own. It's left a bitter taste in my mouth, and an even more bitter and hardened heart.
I left Popol for good, that year. And for a while I was proud of myself, even with the remembrance that he was yet another man I have had to get over. He is the third since Nikki. Though getting over him was not so hard as forgetting Andrew was.
I thought I had, though. Gotten over Andrew, that is. When he left my bed in Perth last March I hardly felt a thing. Certainly none of the excruciating pain so constant when I still thought I loved him. And yet one word from him, just the tiniest inkling that he might want me still, and want More with me, makes all the yearning come bursting out from that secret place I thought I had hidden so well, including from myself.
Why did he have to get in touch with me again? Why add me up on Facebook, when that would be just another means we wouldn't use?
Here at the start of a new year I lie with a heavy heart, a battered self, not even capable of hope. Only of longing, and yearning, of yet more things I don't believe I can ever really have, of someone I know will never love me as I do him. What now, then? Where could I go from here?

9 years

Reading through these posts has been quite an experience. I have never seen such incoherence in my life. It's quite obvious I only ever wrote here when I felt like it, and when I had something in my mind just burning to get out there, and so in order to save myself the humiliation of having to confide in someone else, I do it to anonymous cyberspace, instead.
When I started this blog in July 2004, I was in junior year in college, in love with my first ever boyfriend, and going through such teenage angst like you wouldn't believe. Angst aside, it wasn't a perfect existence..college being a bitch notwithstanding, my long-distance relationship put the H in effing hard. But being 18 and idealistic, I worked at it. It all fell apart after four years of being on-again, off-again, of course. I haven't seen Nikki in almost six years - and I prefer it to stay that way.
I am 27 now, and in the 9 years since I started this blog, and amidst the various, intermittent posts on here, I have: 
1. graduated from college
2. started a first job at a conservation organisation
3. left my first job at a conservation organisation
4. broke up with my first boyfriend for the last time (though he remains my first love. what can I say, I'm cheesy that way)
5. started my second job at an international consulting firm (and have stayed put ever since. Yey, me!)
6. went on my first ever out-of-country work trip to Banda Aceh
7. met Andrew, an Aussie and the man of my dreams, in a remote village ten hours from Banda Aceh (sadly, he was married. yep, life's a bitch)
8. took almost a year to get over him, during which I started seeing Paul (and by seeing I really mean: met with regularly to make bang-chika-bangbang music)
9. fell in love with Paul (yep, like i said, life's a bitch) and he with me
10. had humongous, violent fights with Paul over Andrew (freak-ass, insecure son of a bitch - although his mom really is quite nice)
11. broke it off with Paul (he dumped me first, actually. stupid boy thought I'd take him back after he apologised. he sure had another think coming)
12. took two years to get over him (just cause for the first year he kept hanging about like an itch I couldn't get rid off. and then stupid me for getting the Stockholm syndrome - or whatever syndrome serves in this case - and actually wanting to get back together again with him. thank goodness That fell through).

So here I am now, 27 and still single, whilst everyone around me has started to get married and have babies left and right. Strangely, i have absolutely NO interest right now in getting married, and certainly much less desire to have a kid. I am unequivocally NOT ready for that kind of responsibility. But having a boyfriend would be nice. I certainly miss kissing. And all other ancillary services, of course. *wink*
I'm not proud to report that my thrice-broken heart does not make for a most optimistic view of love and that it has left me, for the most part, bitter. That it has left me assigning an inordinate premium on sex over companionship, just because that just seems so much less complicated, and certainly seemingly more attainable. Boasting aside, with this rack, it's hard for boys not to notice my body.
So much so that it has led me down another path down which I really don't want to go, and yet I find myself going along with the flow, or at least unable to hold on to something and extricate myself from this situation I've found myself in. Let me clarify. 
Like I said, I work for an international firm with Australian origins. As such, we have quite a few aussies in our office, and not surprisingly found myself socialising with a few on one of our 'drinks nights". I was chatting with this one guy in particular. His name is Neill, and he is married. Needless to say, I was drunk and not thinking straight when this happened. Yep, I blame him too for flirting back. Weeks later we both attend a party thrown by our country manager. It ended up being a pool party when we were down to the last 15 or so guests. Sparks flew in the pool, I think. Certainly between us. We'd been chatting on WhatsApp regularly since that first night, and this pool party only served to launch us into something we both didn't expect. We left the party together, holding hands as we got out of the gate (and from view of people). He helped me into a cab, and I went home by myself. Apparently he wanted to get in and let the fates take us wherever. He stopped himself in time just cause he wasn't sure if he'd misread me. A few more weeks after that and our previously harmless flirting on WhatsApp and at the office (when no one was looking) finally culminated in us admitting being attracted to each other, and having "fishing" thoughts about each other. From there it wasn't a huge step to start exchanging pictures. And only a few more teensy steps towards talking about doing it for real. And our last conversation we were making Actual plans of getting together and fishing each other's brains out.
Yep, he will be the second married guy I have sex with. Also my second Aussie. Judge me if you want, I don't know you, and even if I did, I have never been someone who cared what people think. I'm not about to start now.

OH MY GOD. That is it. I have just been very suddenly and rudely jerked back to reality. What was i thinking, falling for andrew when he is just wayyy out of my league and totally up there and unreachable. And to think I considered myself witty and smart! I am so absolutely humiliated. Slap in the face, if there ever was one.

oh my gosh, i am totally emotional today, why is that? i have been on the verge of crying since hours ago. not even sure if it's all because of all the work that's been heaped on me within a span of several hours and the frustrations that come with them, or because i'm coming to terms with being in love with someone off-limits but am too scared to admit it. my brain is in denial and my body can't take opposing forces anymore and can no longer understand itself.

Random Thoughts.

Sex is highly performance-intensive, not so much because you have to be good, but because it is more a show than anything else...how the night progresses depends on how you express your pleasure to your partner. the rule is: exaggerate.

Moving on

Tonight i'm moving on..
Last night i talked to my friend, and i basically rehashed my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend and everything that was wrong about it..so here's the list.
1. for most of the entire time we were together, he lied to me. not just small, insignificant lies, but huge, gargantuan lies, lies about his life, lies about how he felt..shit like that.
2. it was way too fast..i guess because we didn't see that much of each other, the physical stuff moved so much faster, as if we were making up for lost time, at a rate ten times faster.
3. he was so immature..23 and still a baby: can't look after himself, can't stand up for himself on his own two feet, and still counting on daddy to give him all he wants..be it an education in aviation school or a set of golf clubs..pathetic.
4. he had so many goddam issues like you wouldn't believe..angstsy doesn't even begin to describe him. he's so hung up on how life has been unfair to him, how badly he was treated by his parents, how unhappy his childhood was..that he completely ignores the fact that he is luckier and more blessed than most.
5. he's so fixated on himself, his own problems, his own misgivings, that he totally misses out on everyone else's pain, including mine. especially mine, come to think of it.. it got so bad that sometimes i had to pretend i was screwing up in school just so he would forget his own problems for once and focus on me..i mean, how fucked up is that? i never even had any real problems in school, i was a good student with a 3.75 gpa..hell, i'm a spectacular student compared to him!
6. one of his huge lies was about school. the entire time we were together he made me believe that school was okay, that nothing was wrong..when the opposite was the real case. before i found out the truth i would get so confused about how his stories never seemed to make sense, how they didn't seem to fit..and then came the day that his dad(!), no less, told me that he had been faking his grades and spending money that was not his to spend and not been going to school, period. you can only imagine how i felt when i found that out. i felt so betrayed, so..utterly devastated by the extent of his lies that i couldn't breathe for several moments. and then when i got to register all that..it all just..fell into place:
-how, when we went to his school one day to ostensibly attend class, so that i could "sit in," and then for some weird reason, they didn't have class, or so he said, and we ended up sitting in front of one of those huge windows on the third floor and just talked.
-how my plan of surprising him at school didn't work out because at the time he was supposed to go to class his best friend told me he (my beaux) was at his house and that he (my beaux) told him he was done with class, and that didn't make sense, so i arranged for us to meet in the mall, instead. no wonder he got so flustered and agitated at my surprise and at the thought that i had originally planned on going to his school..because i might have discovered he wasn't exactly going to school..
-how he wouldn't let me accompany him during enrolment. i felt bad cause i thought he didn't want his friends to see him with me, but he reassured me that it was not that, but that he just didn't want me to, and couldn't explain it, but he had his reasons..yada yada yada. no wonder he didn't want me there, huh?
can you believe i let myself get twirled around someone's finger like that?! i'm not an airhead, in fact, i like to think of myself as actually pretty bright..but for someone so intelligent, i could be so stupid sometimes, huh?
7. he has a small..thing..oh come one, you know what i mean. sure, he's good in bed, but i've never actually had an orgasm by straightforward sex..it either had to be his fingers, or his tongue..pathetic, i know. i told you..i need a man.
there are so many other things i could whine about here, but i think i should just save those for another day.
the point of this whole tirade is..i needed an outlet..a written outlet that'll allow me to read through the many many reasons for not missing him and feeling bad about not being with him anymore..
tonight i'm moving on, and he can beg on his knees like a puppy starving to death, and i won't give even an inch..not that he will beg, but you know..
my motto right now is: veni vidi vici.

Mutiny

I think that today, i have become a full-fledged smoker..years and years of aversion and disdain for it and now i fold..typical.
i smoked 7 sticks tonight..making it a total of 16 since last thursday..oh well. hypocrisy seems to be my theme for this year..almost can't wait to see what comes next..ha!
last night my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) bugged me about what it was i wasn't telling him..i finally gave in..after hedging for a long while, and trying to convince him to drop it, mind you.
he doesn't hate me for it..although i know i'm a double hypocrite not just for finally smoking after all the bad things i said about it, but because i made him stop smoking 2 years ago..oh well, life's a bitch and then we all, fucking, die.