peripeteia

2008-08-20T11:12:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOD. That is it. I have just been very suddenly and rudely jerked back to reality. What was i thinking, falling for andrew when he is just wayyy out of my league and totally up there and unreachable. And to think I considered myself witty and smart! I am so absolutely humiliated. Slap in the face, if there ever was one.

2008-02-18T10:55:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh, i am totally emotional today, why is that? i have been on the verge of crying since hours ago. not even sure if it's all because of all the work that's been heaped on me within a span of several hours and the frustrations that come with them, or because i'm coming to terms with being in love with someone off-limits but am too scared to admit it. my brain is in denial and my body can't take opposing forces anymore and can no longer understand itself.

Random Thoughts.

2008-02-16T10:32:00.000+08:00

Sex is highly performance-intensive, not so much because you have to be good, but because it is more a show than anything else...how the night progresses depends on how you express your pleasure to your partner. the rule is: exaggerate.

Moving on

2006-02-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

Tonight i'm moving on..
Last night i talked to my friend, and i basically rehashed my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend and everything that was wrong about it..so here's the list.
1. for most of the entire time we were together, he lied to me. not just small, insignificant lies, but huge, gargantuan lies, lies about his life, lies about how he felt..shit like that.
2. it was way too fast..i guess because we didn't see that much of each other, the physical stuff moved so much faster, as if we were making up for lost time, at a rate ten times faster.
3. he was so immature..23 and still a baby: can't look after himself, can't stand up for himself on his own two feet, and still counting on daddy to give him all he wants..be it an education in aviation school or a set of golf clubs..pathetic.
4. he had so many goddam issues like you wouldn't believe..angstsy doesn't even begin to describe him. he's so hung up on how life has been unfair to him, how badly he was treated by his parents, how unhappy his childhood was..that he completely ignores the fact that he is luckier and more blessed than most.
5. he's so fixated on himself, his own problems, his own misgivings, that he totally misses out on everyone else's pain, including mine. especially mine, come to think of it.. it got so bad that sometimes i had to pretend i was screwing up in school just so he would forget his own problems for once and focus on me..i mean, how fucked up is that? i never even had any real problems in school, i was a good student with a 3.75 gpa..hell, i'm a spectacular student compared to him!
6. one of his huge lies was about school. the entire time we were together he made me believe that school was okay, that nothing was wrong..when the opposite was the real case. before i found out the truth i would get so confused about how his stories never seemed to make sense, how they didn't seem to fit..and then came the day that his dad(!), no less, told me that he had been faking his grades and spending money that was not his to spend and not been going to school, period. you can only imagine how i felt when i found that out. i felt so betrayed, so..utterly devastated by the extent of his lies that i couldn't breathe for several moments. and then when i got to register all that..it all just..fell into place:
-how, when we went to his school one day to ostensibly attend class, so that i could "sit in," and then for some weird reason, they didn't have class, or so he said, and we ended up sitting in front of one of those huge windows on the third floor and just talked.
-how my plan of surprising him at school didn't work out because at the time he was supposed to go to class his best friend told me he (my beaux) was at his house and that he (my beaux) told him he was done with class, and that didn't make sense, so i arranged for us to meet in the mall, instead. no wonder he got so flustered and agitated at my surprise and at the thought that i had originally planned on going to his school..because i might have discovered he wasn't exactly going to school..
-how he wouldn't let me accompany him during enrolment. i felt bad cause i thought he didn't want his friends to see him with me, but he reassured me that it was not that, but that he just didn't want me to, and couldn't explain it, but he had his reasons..yada yada yada. no wonder he didn't want me there, huh?
can you believe i let myself get twirled around someone's finger like that?! i'm not an airhead, in fact, i like to think of myself as actually pretty bright..but for someone so intelligent, i could be so stupid sometimes, huh?
7. he has a small..thing..oh come one, you know what i mean. sure, he's good in bed, but i've never actually had an orgasm by straightforward sex..it either had to be his fingers, or his tongue..pathetic, i know. i told you..i need a man.
there are so many other things i could whine about here, but i think i should just save those for another day.
the point of this whole tirade is..i needed an outlet..a written outlet that'll allow me to read through the many many reasons for not missing him and feeling bad about not being with him anymore..
tonight i'm moving on, and he can beg on his knees like a puppy starving to death, and i won't give even an inch..not that he will beg, but you know..
my motto right now is: veni vidi vici.

Mutiny

2006-02-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

I think that today, i have become a full-fledged smoker..years and years of aversion and disdain for it and now i fold..typical.
i smoked 7 sticks tonight..making it a total of 16 since last thursday..oh well. hypocrisy seems to be my theme for this year..almost can't wait to see what comes next..ha!
last night my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) bugged me about what it was i wasn't telling him..i finally gave in..after hedging for a long while, and trying to convince him to drop it, mind you.
he doesn't hate me for it..although i know i'm a double hypocrite not just for finally smoking after all the bad things i said about it, but because i made him stop smoking 2 years ago..oh well, life's a bitch and then we all, fucking, die.

Liar

2006-01-04T23:47:00.000+08:00

today i'm a big liar. i lied about such a big thing, i don't know how i can live with myself. alright, if you're curious, here it is..
i was in Starbucks last night, and i was texting with my boyfriend. all of a sudden, from seemingly nowhere, he started talking about seeing other people and some such crap like that. God, i didn't see that coming. Well, the point is, we talked, and agreed not to think about it yet, to deal with it later on, when all the academic shit in my life was over, and i could afford to wreck my existence..we agreed to talk about it when i went home for the summer..
so, the lie:
i told my friends that i had broken up with him at the trun of the year, told them that i had to break it off because it just wasn't the same anymore, it just wasn't as happy..that love was no longer enough. that is the lie..the most blatant lie i've ever told..well, one of the most blatant lies i've ever told. and now i feel sick to my stomach for being the hypocritical, insecure bitch i am...
of course, i rationalize that i needed to put up some defenses, that i had to keep myself from being pathetic all over again, but still.
so there you go. judge me all you want..i don't care..you don't know me, anyway.

heartache..all over again.

2005-10-16T01:16:00.000+08:00

it's hard enough to stay faithful when your boyfriend's 488 miles away and you don't get to see him for months and months..it's harder still when you're 488 miles apart and he doesn't even give a damn about your day.
i'm a fool to stay in this relationship..this unrewarding, pathetic excuse for a relationship. how can one even call it that when we hardly even talk, i hardly even get to hear from him, and he acts so nonchalant all the time? not just about the relationship, but even about me.
more than anything, i need to feel loved. and at this point, i just don't.
tonight i watched a movie with a friend. a boy friend. and all the while i couldn't help thinking about boo and wishing it was him i was with and not this other guy. and this other guy was so sweet and funny, i almost wished he had been the one i loved..but he's not, and the worst part is, the boy i do love doesn't even seem to love me back..anymore.
why do i even let myself be like this? why go through this pain when i can choose not to? but to choose not to would mean to choose not to be with him. is it even right to choose pain over normalcy just for a boy? it doesn't seem to be. but then again, everyone would all agree i'm not exactly the most rational, nor even the most normalm of people. at times, like now, i'm convinced i'm just plain sick. what kind of person would stay in this hellish situation but a sick, deluded person like me?
if only the sex wasn't so amazing..

b.o.r.e.d

2005-09-08T23:28:00.000+08:00

you'll know when i'm bored out of my mind because i'll have time to make weird formats for things (see title) and actually bother to write about nonsensical stuff. stuff like, you know, my day. which is what i'm going to do right now. never mind that i actually have a lot of things to do.. so, first off, i woke up at around 730, which is pretty early for me, coz i usually wake up at around 10. but anyway, after taking a bath, i just read this article my theology professor asigned us, and it was about justice and the prohetic tradition..although i didn't quite get it. and then, after that, i went back to sleep, which was a wrong move coz i failed to wake up in time for my 1030 class, so i had to cut it. but i did get to go to my sociology class, but it was pretty idiotic coz this group was presenting about the "managed heart" or what not, and their powerpoint presentation was kinda stupid. it had like, hearts all over it, but that probably isn't surprising coz one of the members of the group was so gay. anyhu, i decided to sit in one of the later class for my theology subject, just so i wouldn't get left behind. this was both a stupid and really great decision. stupid in that when i got there, it turns out, it wasn't really going to be like a formal class, but simply a discussion on the current national crisis and what we felt about it, and thoughts regarding it and some such thing. but it was also a really great thing to have done, coz this former rocker classmate of mine from whom i really need help was there. and to think that just moments before i was wondering whether i would get to see him that day. so this day hasn't been such a crappy one, after all. of course, that doesn't change the fact that i'm still bored right now.:)

back from prison

2005-07-24T20:26:00.000+08:00

today i just got back from the new bilibid prison, it's where all the sentenced prisoners from all over the country are kept. as of this moment i haven't really processed all that transpired, all that i saw and experienced. for sure it is one of the bleakest places, but it is also one full of hope. today i realized that although most, if not all, of them deserve to be there for what they did, some were also just victims of circumstance, victims of the system that is unjust and unfair. true, they did what they did but that doesn't mean they wanted to. today i talked to a youth offender. his name is allen, and he was sentenced with death. he did his crime (he never told me exactly what) when he was just 14, and it gets you thinking: what kind of life must he have lived that caused him to do something that got him into death row? most times we pass judgments on these people without even knowing the story behind it all. but i've got news for you fellows, the world isn't black and white, the gray matter is so much wider and broader than you can imagine. i won't romanticize anything, being in prison is ugly, and sometimes, living in all that ugliness can make one ugly, too. but these prisoners are more than that which tv tells us they are, they are more than the disorder they protray, the deception they show. deep down they have dignity, and more often than not, they are truer than the people in the outside world. they are much more sincere, and much more open. and when you talk to them, they show you who they really are, even when they don't know how we'll react. i can't really put into words what i felt then, or what they're really like, you'll have to go and see for yourselves. but just remember this, whatever they might have done, they are still people, and it is not for us, people ourselves, to determine who should die and who should live. only He can say that, only He has the right to.

immortalize

2005-07-09T21:22:00.000+08:00

there are some things about ourselves that we just can't share with anyone, no matter how close we may be to our friends or family. i guess it has something to do with maintaining that facade, that image, that people have come to associate with us: strong, confident, rational. even a self-confessed non-carer like me has these hang-ups. to a certain extent, we want people to think that we live ordered lives, somehow. lives that don't have the complications we think only naive, emotionally-unstable people do.
but my life has its share of complications. it has its share of things i'm not keen on admitting out loud. if i knew my friends read this blog, no way i would be writing about my life here. but as it happens, they don't know about this blog, and i intend to keep it to myself. although why i should bother to write here is beyond me. maybe it has something to do with that inexpressible desire to immortalize oneself, even through such insufficient media as words. but it can't be helped. i'm going to need something to remind me of how i lived my life, maybe so that when i'm old, i'll have something to look back on, without really quite forgetting.
i don't really know how to start. i don't even intend to make it chronological, as long as i immortalize my life, somehow, in these pages, and let out everything inside me that don't have any outlet. this blog will have to suffice.

Loneliness

2005-07-03T02:25:00.000+08:00

What is loneliness, really? i'm just curious. Is it being alone? no, i think not. that would be alone-ness, which is different. is it a feeling brought about by not being with anyone? is it connected to belonging to someone in a romantic way, or more aptly, not belonging? i wished i knew what it was exactly, so that when i use it next, i know exactly what it means, and i wouldn't just be going off on the mouth about something i don't understand..
answers? anyone?

Today

2005-07-02T02:04:00.000+08:00

Today..
i am a woman confused. confused because i don't know where i am, and i don't know where to go.
i am a woman lost. lost in my own nonexistent world, of love, of intellectual conversations, of mystical creatures who know me not as i am.
i am a woman in hiding. for i do not show who i am, only what i want people to think i am.

And today..i hate myself. for not being able to face the truth, for preferring to keep silent rather than voice out my depraved mind, for running away from the urge to unleash myself upon the world.

Today...i simply hate.

heartache

2005-06-05T13:26:00.000+08:00

It's true, my heart is still here, it still beats for him, but now i feel every broken bit, every shard..

--

2005-02-04T16:51:00.000+08:00

And you find yourself lost..
Without having moved an inch..

2004-12-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

I remember how it used to be. i remember when he carried me so my shoes wouldn't get wet by the puddle. i remember how it used to feel. but now it's not the same. Now it's like i'm an obligation. Now it's like he has to make himself love me. Why can't he keep loving me the way he loved me that rainy night he carried me? why does it have to change? What's different between now and then? What's different between me now and me then? Have i somehow become less lovable? Or is all this an inevitable result of a love gone cold? Maybe so. Too bad my love is burning as hotly as ever. So much more painful for me to be touched by that coldness..

2004-12-05T01:30:00.000+08:00

I'm broken. All of me is. My heart. It's broken, and it keeps breaking even more..at least that's how it feels. When my beaux breaks up with me, i wonder how it'll feel then. i hope it just gets shattered and never heal, so i'll have an excuse never to love again. I don't ever want to fall in love with anyone else, i just want him. But how can i keep loving him when he won't have me? Stop this, deal with it when it happens..if it happens. Just pray it doesn't.

heartbroken...almost

2004-11-28T23:44:00.000+08:00

i now know that you can get your heart broken everyday and still survive. that the only way you're sure that you do have a heart is when you feel it breaking, bleeding, desperately trying to be loved, but unable to do anything but wait for it to happen. i was so in love, and i still am, anyone can see that if they would only look closely enough. why does life have to be so unfair? my relationship with boo is fucked up, somehow. God, how i love him..And i hope, i pray that he loves me just as much. im ashamed to admit it but sometimes i feel like he doesn't..not as much as i do. i feel like a burden, making him call me at night, asking him to come see me. when i talk to him, i don't ever wanna hang up, but he always does..why is that? i stay up hours after he hangs up, thinking about him sleeping, wondering if he's dreaming about me. what is wrong with my body? why won't it get tired like his does? why won't my eyes want to close when i miss him? i know it's wrong to think this, but i hate that he has to do so much for his church, his church with all the hypocrites in it. i have got to stop writing this crap. i just hope he never gets to read this, else i'm dead..

helplessness

2004-11-23T01:23:00.000+08:00

i feel like i must be the loneliest person i know.. yet it's a loneliness in disguise, coz no one knows how i really feel..to them i seem fine, like i am how i've always been. in truth i don't even know what changed. if someone asks me now, about what's different in mylife, i don't think i can really answer them. all i know is that i feel less important, as if i'm now as cherished as an old copper ring, when i used to feel like a diamond, the kind men buy at tiffany's. i remember a time when i would wake up really happy coz i was dizzy in love, but now i juz drag myself out of bed and paste a fake smile on my face and pretend i'm anything but desperately sad. now i juz feel empty, and the words i speak are empty, and the words people speak to me are empty. they say man is the highest of all creatures because he can think, he can comprehend, he can invent. well i say he's the lowest, because only man can have everything he needs and still find himself utterly unhappy. a beaver, when he's made his dam and gathered enough food for himself, is a creature content. an eagle that has built her eyrie and soared in the skies is whole. they say love is the greatest feeling there is. well i say love has no feeling, except pain. love never makes you ecstatic, it's disillusionment that does. it never brings you happiness, you only delude yourself into thinking that it does. in truth, love is only a losing of yourself. if you want to stay the same, then never love. because in the end, after all the heartache, all the pain, all the lonely nights..you will surely be changed, so much so that you won't recognize yourself. but the irony is, you won't even want to go back to the way you were, you can only desire to keep on moving forward, like you're addicted to the pain..inthe end you can only keep on living, despite the pain, despite the heartache..you can only keep on loving that person you chose to..because that's the way it is.

Tears for fears

2004-11-14T02:20:00.000+08:00

have you ever looked at yourself and realized that there is something really wrong with you? that there's something about you that desperately needs to be changed, but you're powerless to do so? iwished i weren't me..i'm convinced that whoever loves me will find it hard to keep doing so. and i'm so scared..i've learned something i never thought was possible, and it's totally changed everything in mylife, yet i can't even show it, because no one can know. the things i believed in, the things i was so sure of, were a lie, and nothing will ever be the same again. it has affected every aspect of my life and now i'm too scared that the same thing will happen to me. i've learned that in this world, no one can be fully trusted, one way or another, they'll find a way to betray you.

Bored

2004-07-31T19:39:00.000+08:00

Bored out of my mind, bored as a cloud on a midsummer's night. Then i remember that summer's still a long way off, and all i have are clouds, clouds, and more clouds.

Doesn't it just irk you when you realize that there's so much stuff out there you could be doing right now, but aren't? Not because you can't, not because of a headache, but just because you're too lazy to get your ass off your bed and start living. But well, hey, it's the weekend, i deserve a break. A break from thinking, a break from talking to people, a break from listening to people talk..

Sometimes i wonder, how do those people do it? How are they able to stay up till the wee hours every school night, and still manage to go out on friday night, saturday night, AND sunday night? Whatever the answers to that are, congratulations to them. Or maybe i'm just rambling because of this stupid ache in my head? Yeah, maybe that's it, so i'll go now.